She loved me so much. And I hurt her so badly with my actions and words when being dead-drunk that she won't return my messages... Actually I managed to do even more harm with those. Not that I wanted to. When heavily drunk I can't control myself and let that aggression that's always in me let go in the form of stupid things I say. I lost many friends because of alcohol and my personality in general, lost my job too. But I don't care about any of that, I am just keep thinking about what I've done to her and beg in my mind for a second chance. But when I slowly begin to realize its finished that other stuff starts to bring me down too.

I am very anti-social. Always been. I can blame bad childhood, raising, but what does it matter now? For me it's very hard to make new friends even though I have none. Let alone find a girlfriend, because I am extra shy with females. That's been the case as long as I can remember. Not that it'd matter hadn't it been the case. I am 28 years old. Jobless. With almost no money left. I am most likely an alcoholic too.

Strange as it may sound I got my job after a bottle of wine and kept it for 2 years while drinking (surprise, a programmer). Met her similar way. She took initiative that's why we were started dating in the first place. What kind of sick joke of life is it...

When I was with her I didn't miss or sweat about having no friends and no social life. I was just happy, in my own way; it probably didn't show very well, even to her.

So when I try to "see the bright side", I just tear up and open another beer, because it does not exist for me. I can't watch or listen to anything resembling romantic even after 7 months of not seeing her or hearing her voice. I can't touch PS3 which I bought for her but which she left to me. It just brings the past that is so contrasting to the present. And those flashbacks of how great it was with her keep coming back over and over again. I live in the same small town we lived together for 2 years. Anything can remind me of her and then it's like the whole world is crumbling around me.

I don't have anyone to hang out with. Not that I'd particularly wanted to, unless to get drunk, otherwise I'd just sit there silent and have a terrible time. I don't celebrate any holidays, because I don't have anyone to do that with without her and her family, as bad as so called "mother in law" was.
So I just sit in front of my PC screen not knowing what to do. Thinking of suicide more and more. Ironically I have this phobia about hurting myself even accidentally... unless I
am drunk. So I can't do it consciously.

She's so important to me that only she could motivate me to get better. Otherwise I don't see the point. I've never lost anybody important in my life before. I barely know my father and brother, whom I haven't seen for years. I've never had a girlfriend before her either. Only a crush once in high-school. So you can say I hadn't fully understood what exact heart-breaking consequences of such a loss would be.

So basically I am fucked and the suicide seems like the best option. I don't want to grow old alone. Maybe I should find some extra motivation for it, something
that would matter at least a little?